Words part 1 - Forgiveness

How many of you know that words matter?

The things we say can either build people up or tear people down

In fact, Solomon said in Proverbs 18:21 that the tongue has the power of life and death

So much truth in that!

Speaking of words and Solomon, earlier in Proverbs 18 he gives us this gem -

Proverbs 18:6-7 A fool's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating. 7  A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

Our words are indeed very important!

In fact, I’m going to say that many, if not most, of the conflicts we have with other people are because of words

Sometimes what we say, and what the other person hears are two totally different things

In fact, we can be using the same exact word and mean completely different things

Let me give you a couple examples -

I love spicy food! The spicier the better!

My wife on the other hand, is not so much into spicy food

For her a little bit goes a long ways

When my wife says “wow, that’s spicy!” it means something completely different than when I say “wow, that’s spicy!”

Another example - many years ago I was correcting one of my children and the comment was made “you’re always yelling at us!”

I was a little confused. I replied “I almost never yell at you”

They said “yes you do!”

I discovered that the problem was in what we both defined as “yelling”

To me, yelling implies volume

If you can’t hear it from mountain top to mountain top, then it’s not yelling!

For my kids, “yelling” meant any time I spoke in a corrective way

We were using the same word, but we meant two completely different things

I see the same thing happening within the Christian faith

There are many words that are quite common in Christian circles, but often times have very different meanings

What I want to do today is take a look at one of those words that is often misunderstood, both within the Church as a whole as well as in society

The word we are going to explore today is the word Forgiveness

It’s one of those words that we all think we have a handle on, but I honestly don’t think we do

I was speaking with someone a few days ago and they said that they were convinced that many of the issues within the body of Christ today fall back on a misunderstanding and misapplication of forgiveness

As we get into our message there is a great passage of Scripture that I think emphasizes this point very well

We find it in Matthew 18

To give a brief bit of background Jesus is teaching His disciples what they should do when there is an issue between them and another person

Basically it comes down to go to the person one on one, if that doesn’t make a difference go with two or three others, and if that doesn’t work bring the matter before the church

That’s another message for another time, but immediately after this Peter asks a question

Matthew 18:21-35 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" 22  Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

So in the run up to our passage today Peter is starting to get what Jesus is saying

He understands that Jesus wants us to be able to work out whatever issues there are between us

If you and someone else have an issue, one of the keys to working things out is the willingness to forgive

So here comes Peter asking Jesus “I’m willing to forgive, but how many times should I forgive them? Up to seven times?”

It’s easy to come down on Peter for his question, but if we are totally honest with ourselves we are not any better

How many times would you honestly forgive the same person for doing you wrong?

We’ve all heard the phrase “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”

Or

“I’ll help anyone, but if you do me wrong forget it!”

Here’s the thing - we all think forgiveness is great when we are the one that needs to be forgiven

It’s completely different, though, when we are the ones that have to forgive

Peter asks his question with the idea that seven times is a lot - and honestly, for many of us, forgiving the same person seven times is six times more than we would do!

Jesus tells Peter “Not seven times, but seventy-seven times!”

Some translations say “seventy times seven”

Jesus’ statement to Peter was not  definitive number - meaning that if someone sins against you 78 times or 491 times then you are off the hook

Jesus is saying that we need to forgive them no matter how many times they sin against us

Besides - a couple of weeks ago we talked about loving each other. One of the things about love is that is keeps no record of wrong

If I am counting how many times someone has sinned against me, I have a huge problem with my heart!

Jesus goes on to tell a parable to emphasize His point

23  "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24  As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25  Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26  "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27  The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28  "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. 29  "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' 30  "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31  When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32  "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33  Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34  In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35  "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Quite an interesting story!

We have a servant that owed the king ten thousand talents, which is somewhere around $190 million

He begged the king for more time to repay, and the king ended up forgiving him his debt!

I’m sure this servant was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude! I know I certainly would be!

But after being forgiven that huge debt this servant runs across someone who owes them one hundred denarii, which is about $2,000

The man begged for more time to repay, but the servant refused and had the man thrown into debtors prison

Word got back to the king, who was obviously not happy at all!

He said “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33  Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?”

Think about it - the servant was forgiven a huge debt, but refused to forgive someone who owed him a few bucks

This is exactly what I meant earlier when I said that we all think forgiveness is a great thing when we are the one that needs forgiveness

But when we have to forgive someone else, it’s a whole different story isn’t it?

As easy as it would be to come down hard on the servant in this story are we really any different?

I hope so!

If not we need to be, because Jesus has some pretty strong words

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Wow! Pretty scary isn’t it?

Jesus had some other things to say on this exact topic:

In the Lord’s Prayer we pray:

Matthew 6:12 Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

So, when we pray the Lord’s Prayer we are asking Jesus to forgive us just like we forgive others!

Can you say “ouch?”

Right at the end of the Lord’s prayer Jesus says this:

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This is even more straightforward - If I don’t forgive others, God will not forgive me

I don’t know about you, but I need all the forgiveness I can get, so that means I need to give all the forgiveness that I can give

The Apostle Paul encourages us:

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

In an echo of the parable Jesus told, Paul reminds us that Jesus has forgiven us our great debt, so we should forgive others theirs as well

Not just forgive, but to be kind and compassionate!

So, for the Christian, for those who claim to be followers of Jesus, forgiving others is not an option

Yet, this is something that many of us struggle with

I think our struggle is rooted in a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is

What is forgiveness?

To explain the definition of forgiveness let me first explain what forgiveness is not

Forgiveness is not:

Forgetting

“Forgive and forget” just doesn’t happen

You may remember this offense for the rest of your life

In fact, in some situations it would be completely unsafe to not forget what happened

Accepting

Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was okay

It may not have been okay at all!

God wants us to forgive, not become a doormat!

Being foolish

If someone steals money from me I can forgive them, but I’m not going to leave my wallet on the table if they are coming over

No consequences

I can certainly forgive someone, but that doesn’t mean there will not be consequences for their actions

Example - if someone murders one of my family members I can forgive them, but that doesn’t mean the murderer is not going to jail

Reinstating the relationship

I can forgive someone without ever letting them back in my life

In fact, in some instances it would be completely unhealthy or unsafe to allow them back into your life

I can also forgive someone without their participation

What I mean is, they don’t have to be sorry for me to forgive them.

In this situation I am forgiving them for my sake, not theirs

They also do not need to know that I am forgiving them

If the situation is one in which the person is totally clueless as to what they’ve done it may harm the relationship to bring it up

Sometimes the situation is one in which it would be a bad idea to talk with the person, or maybe the person has died or is unreachable

This is what forgiveness is not, so what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is:

A decision

Forgiveness is an act of my will

I don’t have to feel like it to do it

In fact, there are times that if I waited until I felt like it, it would never happen!

I’ve spoken with people before that have said “Pastor, I know I should forgive them, but I’m not sure if I can.”

I get that - some of you have had horrible things happen to you

Things that should never happen to a person

I do not, in any way shape or form, want to minimize your pain or trauma - far from it!

However, as I have said before, we sometimes forgive for our sake, not theirs!

If you are in a situation where you know you should forgive somebody, but you’re not sure if you can, then I encourage you to pray “Lord I know I should, help me get to the place where I can”

If you honestly pray this prayer I believe God will help you get there

Giving up my right for revenge

Revenge is almost always the root of unforgiveness

You want to pay them back for what they did to you, so you’re not going to forgive

In the Bible God says “vengeance is mine, I will repay” - in other words, let God take care of it!

Give up your right for revenge and forgive them

Not talking about the offense

If I’m still talking about it, there’s a good chance I haven’t forgiven them

Yes, sometimes we need to bring up hurtful things from the past, but that is a rare occasion

If every time you get into a conflict you remind them of what they did wrong, then you have not forgiven them

Acting like it didn’t happen (when it’s safe)

Again, use common sense here

Don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation

Don’t let someone repeatedly take advantage of you

But whenever possible, treat people as if the offense didn’t happen

Another interesting thing about forgiveness

Did you know that not forgiving can negatively affect your health?

People who don’t forgive report higher rates of heart disease and cardiac arrest, elevated blood pressure, stomach ulcers, arthritis, back problems, headaches, and chronic pain

People who forgive report

• Healthier relationships
• Improved mental health
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Improved self-esteem

For the follower of Jesus, forgiving others is not optional

We must forgive

Here’s your homework

This week I want you to ask God to reveal to you any areas of unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness in your life

If God reveals anything to you - let it go.

Forgive

Follow the example of Jesus, who while on the cross prayed for those who crucified Him

“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do”